The First Few Days...

So much has happened since my last post, I don't even know where to begin.  Not having access to the blog the first couple of days threw my plans to blog each day as a record for Jack out the window.  Even, finally having access, I have been so tired that I just haven't had the energy to write.  I think my body has finally adjusted itself, not to mention the good night sleep Jack allowed me to have last night!

 

We arrived in Urumqi on Saturday early in the morning.  It's a very beautiful hotel but the room is very small! 

 

 

 

Later Saturday morning we met our guide and we went for a walk around the area.  We searched and searched for a Bank of China to exchange our Canadian funds but none were open on the weekend.  I have never seen SO many banks in my life...I think there is a different one on every corner.  After having a nap, we met Thomas again and he took us to a local market where they sell many different things...foods, clothing, purses, coats etc...  It's one of those markets where people "attack" you to buy something and you bargain down the prices.

 

On Sunday Thomas took us to a beautiful park that was once a water mill.  It had a "Montreal Beaver Lake" kind of feel.  It was really beautiful.  There was a large Buddhist temple at the top that we were allowed to go up to, where people were bowing before these statues believing that the statues will answer their prayers.  Oh how my heart hurt.

This is called a "Lovers Tree"... apparently it looks like a man and woman with their arms around each other.

 

 

On Sunday night we went out for supper around the corner.  The restaurant was freezing!  Our guide ordered for us.  It was d-e-l-I-c-I-o-u-s!!!  There are many Muslims in this region and the food we ate was very much like Indian food.  Spicy, saucy, potatoes and lamb, served with rice.  Oh would Jon have loved that!!!!

 

On a side note...having been to Vietnam before, nothing shocks me anymore.  Things are done a lot different in these countries and you just gotta roll with it!  Driving is most "civilized" here compared to the Philippines and Vietnam.  They actually have speed monitors on the streets so drivers do get tickets.  There is definitely still some insanity to it -- people walking across main highways, drivers driving down the white lines on the street, driving on the shoulder of the roads, drivers entering and exiting where and when they want on highways etc...  Dad has a new found appreciation for Montreal driving and parking!  Even slabs of raw meat hanging out on the street corners doesn't even phase me LOL!

 

Monday morning was the big day...

The Beginning...

Well here dad and I sit in Montreal waiting for our flight to Toronto.

I was a blubbery mess saying goodbye to Nathaniel and Fredrick.  Nathaniel looked at me like I had lost my mind.  Fredrick started to cry but once Tita Cindy gave him food and said they'd play a game, he was fine.  Hugged me, kissed me and said, "Bye mom!"  Phew!  Mom was just "a little" emotional :-)

Here is our final photo as a family of FOUR (not a great pic but that's what happens when you're running late):

 

(I am so white!!!! LOL!)

 

So we check in our bags and I am WAY over on my weight (the bag not me HA HA!)...It was going to cost $100.  The lady was very nice and suggested I go buy a bag at a kiosk and throw some things in there.  The bag cost $30.  We were entitled to 2 bags each.  Dad brought an extra duffle bag in his suitcase so we'll fill that up coming home.

 

Moving on to security...dad wants me to say everything went smoothly but that would be a lie!  There was a "mass" in his bag that caused some commotion!  A whole bunch of agents were checking out the computer screen to try and figure out what this "mass" was!  They emptied his bag and figured it was just the way certain items were placed.

 

An answer to prayer...our seats were changed on our LONG flight to Beijing (and this was without us asking)...we have seats at the very front! Mom was concerned dad would get leg cramps from being confined to a small area for so long.  Now he can get up all he wants, and stretch out his legs.  THANK YOU LORD!

 

Well, we are boarding soon.  Rice family this is for you...they just called up passenger "Rice", so dad goes and they said, "No, Donald Rice"! 

 

Well I'll write again "soon"!  Keep those prayers coming! 

 

 Jack...Mommy is on her way!!!!



Itinerary

Well Friday afternoon we finally got our itinerary for the trip.  It goes a little something like this...

Itineraire pour la famille Rice-Desouza

 

12/05 Depart Montreal a Toronto 11am

                     Toronto a Beijing 12:30pm

12/06  Arrivee a Beijing 16:50, correspondance pour Urumqi 20:30-00:40，loge a Urumqi

12/09  Rencontre de bebe au bureau des affaires civiles, inscripion de l’adoption au bureau des affaires civiles et chez le notaire,demande de la passeport a la police

12/12  Envoi des dossiers a SAI

12/13  Obtention de passeport

12/14  Depart pour Beijing 11:20-14:50，loge a JW Marriott Hotel

12/15  Visite de la Grande Muraille

12/16  Demande de visa a l’ambassade du Canada.

12/17  Visite de la Place Tian’an Men et la Cite Interdite

12/18  Visite du Palais d’Ete

12/19  Reprise de visa , retour au Canada 18:45

There is a whole lot of planned sight seeing the week in Beijing.  We definitely do not plan on doing ALL of it.  I'm torn about the 15th.  It's the visit to the Great Wall of China but it's an all day affair.  Of course we want to visit it but we'll play it by ear.  I will base all our decisions on Jack and how he is doing (and of course how dad and I are doing!).  If I think an 8 hour day of touring/eating will not benefit him in any way, then we will rethink our plans.  We can always go on our own just to see it, but then again dad and I are not keen on adventuring out on our own.  We'll see how things go.  We are fine sitting around the hotel napping!  LOL!  Yes I know that sounds crazy.

 

4 more sleeps...

Another Exciting Day...

JACK...MAMA WILL SEE YOU SOON!!!

Today was another exciting day!  First I get an email that our travel approval had arrived and then a little while longer I received the email I was really waiting for -- OUR ITINERARY!

Our tickets are reserved and first thing in the morning, I confirm the purchase of them.

So dad and I are heading out December 05 at noon.  Montreal to Toronto, Toronto to Beijing.  There is very little time between landing in T.O. and connecting to Beijing, which is nice.  No sitting around doing nothing...but there is literally very little time to catch the connecting flight!!!!

I don't know the schedule once we arrive in Beijing.  We still have to get to Urumqi, which is another 4 hr flight.  And I still don't know when I will finally be holding my baby.

The suitcase is out and I'm starting to pack because next Thursday will be here before I know it!  Leaving at noon doesn't give me a day of getting last minute things done since we'll have to be at the airport early.

I can't believe I'm travelling across the world for a third time to meet another beautiful boy chosen to be our son.  This will probably be the last time (unless God has other plans :-) ) so I will be soaking it all in, as much as I can.  My heart hurts thinking this is our last adoption but I will enjoy my 3 beautiful blessings to the fullest.

Is it December 05 yet?!?!?!?!!?

Past Two Days...

Rewind to February 2012.  I did some research and found an organization that gives out adoption grants to Canadian couples (even to couples from Quebec) who meet their criteria.  All I did was fill out a form, and send a couple of other documents.

 

Fast forward to November 21, 2013.  At around 8:30pm the phone rang.  I did not recognize the phone number so I ignored the call.  The person phoning began to leave a message (which we can hear).  "Hi. I'm calling from blah blah blah.  A couple of years ago you applied for an adoption grant..."  Me: JONNNNNNN GET THE PHONE!!!  So they are doing a draw this weekend or early next week and they wanted to know if we are still interested.  Ummmmm YES!  When Jon told her we were waiting to leave she said they would do the draw ASAP!  On the website it says they give grants of up to $10,000.  If we win half of that, it would be wonderful.  I immediately thought just maybe this is why we haven't left yet, but of course I am not getting my hopes up.

 

It was bugging me to know when I had sent in the application.  I remember it was early 2012 and I remember I had sent an email asking for confirmation that our application had been received.  I searched my emails and found this...

 

On 2012-03-01, at 8:36 AM,

> We have received it.  You will only hear back from us in the form of a letter if you receive the grant.  We'll keep it in the draws for one year.

 

Take note our name was only suppose to be kept for 1 year...here we are 21 months later!  Also take note of the date...MARCH 01, 2012...Yup Jack's birthday.  If you know each of our adoption stories there is always something that has happened (adoption-related) on each of their birthdays.  It's pretty awesome actually! 

 

-Homestudy started on July 11, 2006 -- Nathaniel's bday

 

-On July 26, 2010 we sent off an application to the Philippines for adoption #2 (only to be denied) -- Fredrick's birthday

 

-Adoption grant application confirmed on March 01, 2012 -- Jack's birthday.

 

Even if we don't win the draw, it's still pretty cool -- each just makes our beliefs that our boys were chosen by God that much stronger!

 

Fast forward to November 22.  I came home from work and was talking to my dad.  He is getting very anxious to go and was pretty disappointed we hadn't got the ok to travel yet.  It was 5:30ish when I checked my emails to find an email from our resource person.  She said our Travel Approval had not been received yet, but it was in the system that it had been issued, so it's just a matter of days before we get it.  She said our agency is preparing for us to leave on December 06 with the group that is leaving.  OH.MY.GOODNESS...2 weeks to go!  So now dad is pretty  happy!!!  I will be away on my birthday but I will be celebrating it with my dad and Jack!  We will be getting home just days before Christmas.  Add some jet lag and it is officially going to be one crazy Christmas!!!  I hope to get some Christmas shopping and decorating done before I leave.  We put up a real Christmas tree so we may get one literally right before I leave otherwise it will be up to Jon and the boys.

 

It has been quite crazy emotionally these past 2 days.  Please pray with us that we would a) win the grant b) leave on December 06.

 

Dear Jack,

 

Mommy is COMING!  Mommy is COMING!  Oh baby boy I am so ready to hold you, tell you I love you, give you a bath (yes it is an exciting thing for your mama), wrap you up in your blankie, snuggle with you and read you a book.  Please humor me even if you think I am crazy! :-)  You will have your forever family soon baby.  You will have a mommy and a daddy and two brothers (have I mentioned how crazy they are??).  You will go to church, make new friends, learn about Jesus and learn a bunch of worship songs.  We have a pretty fun time around here and we can't wait to share it with you.  Your BIG brother always thanks God for his home and that it is full of love.  That says it all sweetie...God is love and we share His love with our boys...can't wait to love you more and more!

 

Mama...see you soon xoxo

N-O-V-E-M-B-E-R!

I can't believe it's November already.  I am that much closer to packing a suitcase and boarding a plane for Toronto, then to Hong Kong, then to Beijing, then to Urumqi!  (good grief!!!)  This past Thursday I opened my agenda to see what was on schedule the coming week only to discover I had missed not one but TWO doctor's appointments on the Wednesday!  This has NEVER happened to me.  When I schedule things, those dates are immediately registered in my brain-agenda.  So I guess my brain really is somewhere else -- perhaps in China!

 

In my defense on Wednesday I got a call from our agency to say they had received our "Letter Seeking Confirmation" which is the last step before we travel.  I had to fax off a signed copy to them that day, go to the agency on Thursday to pick up a package of documents to be completed and returned Friday morning.  Included in the package was visa forms and other travel forms.  Ahhhh that much closer now.  This is what Thursday afternoon looked like for me...

 

 

 

Jon's responsibility throughout the process is to, sign here, here and here!  So I asked if he could return the package to the agency Friday morning for me so they could get it sent off to China.  I phoned to ask him how it went.  What he said next, had he been standing in front of me, would have got him a good shot in the nose! LOL!  He said, in all seriousness, "I hope this is the last I have to do.  It's a lot of work for me." I think I went silent for a couple of minutes, I was in absolute shock that he would say something like that. It wasn't until he started laughing that I realized he was joking.  Again my brain is elsewhere because I would never take a comment like that so seriously from Jon.

 

I hand wrote the visa application forms which apparently I was never told they had to be printed from the computer.  So today I have to recomplete the visa form for myself and dad and get them to the agency tomorrow.  Never a dull moment...never a dull moment.

 

I feel like I still have so much to do, but really I don't.  If I don't have everything Jack needs while in China or once we arrive home, no worries.  There is a Walmart in China and a Walmart here.  I'll get what I need when I need it.  I am worried about packing though.  Both other countries were +30oC.  Shorts, teeshirts, and flipflops.  Now we're heading into cold territory.  I'm being told to pack lightly but I don't know how you do that when you have to pack a snowsuit, boots, and warm clothes.  If anyone has suggestions...I'm open to them :-)

 

I will throw this out there too...to all "believers of prayer"...if you think of our family, could you please pray for Fredrick.  I get emotional every time I stop to think about how he is going to feel when I'm gone.  Yesterday I was so sick, so Jon kept him away from me and there were a couple of meltdowns because he wanted to be with me.  I just pray that the Lord would watch over him and that the 2 weeks will go by quickly for him and that my absence wouldn't be too hard on him.  I am hoping Lolli, daddy and family will occupy his time that he won't even have time to think about me.

 

Dear Jack,

 

Mommy and pappy are coming soon.  You look like such a happy boy in the recent photos we received.  I am sure you are being well loved and cared for.  It breaks mommy's heart to know that you will be leaving all that you know, all that you love.  Mommy and daddy promise that we will provide you with a very loving home, with 2 really fun and loving big brothers and a great opportunity for your future.  We will be there for you through all the good and even the bad times.  We will be open and honest with you and will answer all your questions to the best of our abilities.  There may be times you hate us and we get that.  We can't even imagine what you or your brothers may feel as you grow up and we will never pretend we understand, because we don't.  All we can do is be there for you as your mom and dad and guide you the best we know how.

 

Love you baby boy!  See you soon.  Mommy xoxo

 

 



 

Small Update

So far the past 2 weeks have been hard for me!  I don't know what it is but getting to China...getting to JACK is all I think about!  Of course this would sound normal, but I must say the last 2 times, this wait was hard but not this hard.  I check my email regularly and the phones to see if anyone has called because I want to believe that the Chinese authorities have rushed our file and we can travel ASAP.  Of course I know deep down that won't happen but this is how my brain is functioning these days.

 

I'm not one to "bug" our agency, looking for updates, but by Friday I just couldn't take the silence anymore.  When we received Jack's proposal, I was told we would receive a "pre-approval" in a couple of weeks and then we would receive another document and then we would receive our o.k. to travel.  So yesterday I casually sent off a friendly email simply asking if they would update us with ANYTHING new with our file.  And I am SO thankful I received a quick reply!

 

Apparently there is no more "pre-approval".  Once we sent off our acceptance that was the official approval.  So step 1 -- DONE!

 

We should hear something in the next couple of weeks...some kind of document that will be received that Jon and I have to sign right away and have it returned to China.  Step 2.

 

And then a few weeks later we should receive our travel approval.  Step 3.

 

AND then dad and I should be a on plane.  In the email it said maybe by the end of November!  Step 4.

 

End of November sounds so much better than early December LOL!

 

I work Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday this week and then we're heading up north for Thanksgiving Friday-Monday...1 more week down! 

 

So that's our little update!  I'm almost finally done Nathaniel's new room so I'll be able to start concentrating on getting things ready for baby Jack.

 

Jack,

 

You are that missing piece to our family puzzle!  It just won't feel complete until you are here.  I keep warning your big brother, Fredrick, that he has to share his toys AND his mommy with you.  He doesn't seem happy about it, but hopefully he'll get use to it once you are home.  You will be waking up soon.  Have a beautiful day baby!  Until we meet...

 

Love YOUR mommy! xoxo

2 Weeks Down...

Tomorrow will mark 2 weeks since we received our baby boy's beautiful picture.  My mind hurts trying to think of things I need to do to prepare for his arrival when in reality there isn't much for me to do until we get that phone call that dad and I are cleared to travel.  There is no room to prepare, no clothes to buy/wash, not many toys to buy, etc...  Thankfully I start a work contract tomorrow so I'll be busy working and my mind won't be solely on waiting for Jack!  We are almost finished putting Nathaniel's room together (this has been one of the longest redecorating process' E-V-E-R) and once I am able to move all his clothes to his new bureau, I can start going through my buckets of clothes for Jack.  He is apparently quite small, so I'm going to keep all those 12 months clothes handy!

 

I passed by the airport the other day and started crying!  I don't know if they were tears of joy and excitement or tears of "OH MY GOODNESS, I'm going to be entering those gates, once again, for yet another 30 hr trip!"  LOL!  We had supper with mom and dad last night and Jon and I were reminiscing about our trip to Vietnam.  That's when I start getting really excited!  Dad was asking about Jack's Canadian passport and Jon said, "That was the most stressful part of Vietnam...I was so stressed!"  REALLY, Jon?  Because if my memory serves me correctly, all you had to do was sign where I told you to and entertain Fredrick while I got it all figured out!  His response, "Well I had to go pick it up!"  Oh yes that taxi ride over there must have been really stressful!  LOL!  But yes all that paperwork is quite stressful (for those of us actually completely the documents)!

 

I am praying we hear something from our agency within the next week.  There are a few documents from China that need to be issued to our agency and the first usually happens 2-3 weeks after the proposal.  Based upon the timeline I received from our agency, I am going to be hopeful dad and I travel at the beginning of December. I wonderful birthday present for me (12th) -- something to keep my mind off turning 36!!!  And what an amazing Christmas gift to be home with my 3 boys!

 

Jack, hope you have a good night sleep!  We are praying every night that the Lord is preparing your heart for when mommy comes to get you.  I'm sure it will be very difficult for you, but rest assured mommy will be there to hold you when you are afraid and when you are feeling sad.  We can just sit and hold each other!  I'm not expecting you to love me, connect with me, or even like me until you are good and ready.  Your mommy can be a pretty patient person :-)  Love you sweet boy! xoxo

Mom to THREE boys...SAY WHAT?!?!?

The moment I have been waiting for...a post about our baby boy from China!

 

On Monday, September 16, as I arrived home from dropping Nathaniel off at school the phone rang.  Thankfully it was freezing outside so Fredrick and I didn't head to the park before coming home.  My intention was to come home and get some painting done.  That didn't happen!

 

It was our resource person, "Is it a good day for me to send you an email?"  Ummmmmmm...YES!

 

I couldn't get to my iPad fast enough...moments later I was smiling ear to ear as I saw my baby boy for the first time.  He is the cutest thing I've seen (since Fredrick's proposal picture HA!).  It's funny, during our meetings with our social worker, he kept saying this proposal would be different than the other 2 since this child will have a special need.  He reminded us we had to think with our heads not with our hearts and wanted to be sure we were strong enough to say no, if necessary, after seeing a picture of a waiting child.  We assured him we would definitely think things through and wouldn't fall in love.  Who the heck were we trying to fool?  The moment I laid eyes on this child, he was mine (ours)!  He is our son! 

 

Jon thought a little more with his head than I did and asked that I get the medical checked over by the pediatrician.  I'm no doctor but I am getting pretty good at figuring out blood tests and the meaning of the results.  I did go to the pediatrician today and she told me exactly what I already knew.

 

Details:

 

Our baby boy's birthday is March 01, 2012.  He is 18 months right now and 20 months younger than Fredrick.  I am hoping they will be good playmates once he is home.

 

He was born with cleft lip/palate but his lip has been repaired.  He will still need surgery once he arrives in Canada for his palate.  (I'll be asking for prayer when the time comes!!!!)

 

His growth is right on target according to the Chinese growth charts.

 

His motor development and speech is also on target.  It says that he is a very smart boy.  That he is very friendly and active.  His favorite activity is being outdoors.  He already fits into our family life perfectly!  He'll be joining Jon and the boys in a game of street hockey in no time!  And I'm sure he will enjoy all the park time he'll get during the summer.

 

Jon and I have chosen the names JACK ROBERT (part of his Chinese name -- haven't figured that out yet) deSOUZA.  If you're wondering where Jack comes from...well I will be completely honest with you...I am a huge Three's Company fan and a John Ritter fan...if you are unaware John Ritter's character's name was Jack.  While on vacation I asked Jon what he thought of the name and he loved it.  My mom also had an uncle named Jack, so we'll go with that story!  Robert is my dad's middle name and also Jon's late uncle's name, so we get to honor 2 important people.  Pretty strong name, don't you think???

 

"If all goes well" dad and I will be travelling early December or beginning of January.  OH PLEASE pray with us that we will leave at the beginning of December!  The city where Jack is from is very north of China, and apparently it is just as cold there as it is here in Montreal in December/January.  Here dad and I thought we'd be getting away from the cold for 2 weeks.  My mom said she had a moment of sadness that she wouldn't be coming with me, but then she got over it once she heard it was going to be cold!

 

I love my boys, I love adoption and I love that I have been blessed to be an adoptive mom but there is something so much greater I hope people can get from our stories...and it is this...

 

None of this would have been possible without God.  He has pieced every process together perfectly.  No matter how many time I fail and disappoint my Heavenly Father, He continues to forgive me and even bless me.  His plan is perfect.  Had I been the one in charge, I would have chosen a child months ago, and the timing would have been totally off!  Yet because we gave the process over to God, He chose now.  Because He chose now, we will travel in the winter months which means my parents don't have to give up any time at their trailer, Jon's work will have slowed down, and Nathaniel will still be in school.  I also get to do a short-term work contract to earn some extra money that will come in very handy for the trip.  This also means I will be able to collect parental leave when I come back from China.

 

I was reading a devotional for moms the other day and it was entitled, "I Want To Go Fast!"  The verse used was, "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him..."  Psalm 37:7  Let me tell you for each adoption process I wanted to go F-A-S-T!  But for the first two I had no choice but to wait "patiently" and we were blessed with 2 amazing kids.  This time because I could access lists of waiting children (with special needs) I felt I could beat God to the finish line.  I was determined I would find our third child on my own.  Every day I searched and searched...I searched for any possible links to waiting children.  Then God gave me a gentle reminder...(the devotional).  If we had truly given this process over to Him, why did I think I could do a better job putting all the pieces together?  Why did I think I could get it done faster on my own?  All I had to do was wait patiently for Him.  He knew when the time was right.  He knew when the child of HIS choosing would be ready.  He knew what special needs we could handle.  I am just so amazed at how much I am loved by my Heavenly Father and how truly slow I am to learn that I just need to wait patiently on Him!!!!

 

Bear with me...this blog is also meant as a journal for Jack...so here comes the sappy part!

 

Jack...oh how much you are loved.  I keep checking the time to see what you might be doing.  It's almost 11pm here, so 11am where you are.  It's nap time baby boy!  Have a wonderful sleep and dream well.  Mommy and daddy are so excited to have you join our crazy (but pretty awesome HA!) family.  Your picture is up and I keep glancing over to look at your precious face.  You now have 2 pretty amazing brothers who will probably drive you nuts at times (especially Fredrick -- he's got some serious attitude) but mostly they will just love you to pieces!  Oh, and a word of advice...lay off Fredrick's cars!  NO ONE messes with Fredrick's cars! Love you to infinity and beyond (we say that a lot around here).

 

Love mama.

 

 

 

 

Finally An Update!

One of the problems with caller ID is that I know who is phoning me (kind of oxymoronish I know)!  This morning the phone rang and as soon as I saw our resource person's name my heart started beating a mile a minute.  She either had good news or bad news.  I'd say it was pretty good news :-)

 

Most people automatically assume that our file is accepted, when in fact it's not until those magic words are officially spoken.  With China I have been anxious about whether or not we would be accepted due to Jon's medical history (cancer in 1998).  China's regulations state that they do not accept couples/individuals with a medical history.  Because we are going through the special needs program they are more willing to accept files but a waiver sometimes has to be requested etc, etc, etc...  So all this to say I haven't been 100% confident a third adoption was in our future.

 

Our agency heard from China, and they WILL ACCEPT our file!!!  We just have to send them a letter from Jon's Dr. stating he is cancer free.  This is no big deal since the Dr. has written one before and the secretary is very fast at getting it done.  With this letter, China will not require a waiver, so no extra wondering if it will be a yes or no and no extra delays.  WE WILL BE ACCEPTED.

 

Our rep said a new list with special needs children will be coming out soon (possibly next week)...just think our child might just be on that list!  I'm super excited and super nervous.  You anticipate and anticipate and when the time comes near, the nervousness sets in!

 

So that's my update!  WE WILL BE ACCEPTED!  I can't believe it.  Today I told Jon, several years ago I didn't think we'd ever have kids and now we will soon (hopefully) be parents to three beautiful children -- each specially chosen by God.  Christmas might be pretty crazy this year and I can't WAIT!

Change of Plans

I always get a lump in my stomach when someone starts a conversation with, "I need to talk to you about something..." and that is exactly what my mom did to me the other day.

"It's about travelling to China..."

Uh-oh!

"How would you feel about me staying home and dad travelling with you when the time comes..."

That's ALL?  Phew!

So that's the change of plans.  Dad will be my travelling buddy.  We did a road trip to Scarborough, Ontario together this spring and survived...what's a trip to China and back?  LOL!

Mom is worried about Fredrick and how he will be with me gone for 2 weeks.  With mom here, he'd have that "motherly comfort" while I'm gone, she'd be able to cook supper and prepare lunches for Jon and Nathaniel, and do laundry for the boys.  Jon was quite pleased with this!

Dad hasn't got to experience either of the other 2 adoptions, so that will be exciting for him.  He also loves world history, so China is a great place to experience some of that.  Dad and I also like to nap so we'll do a lot of that LOL!

I think we're both a little nervous.  Dad has never done anything like this before so he's not quite sure what to expect, and I've never done it without the help of mom (or Jon for that matter).  He must be somewhat excited though...he's already made an appointment to get his travel shots.

I am so blessed to have parents who are so willing to drop everything to travel across the world with me...not once, not twice, but THREE times!

Before I get all wrapped up in travel plans...we need a phone call...with a proposal, of course!!!

Log-In-Date (LID)

FINALLY...Some news!!!

On Canada Day, we celebrated at a local park where there were lots of activities for the kids.  I have an adoption radar like you wouldn't believe...sometimes I scare myself.  I saw this little boy run past me and he was just so darn cute.  My radar went off.  I turned around to see his parents, and sure enough it was a mom I had met at a playgroup I attended for a short while for adoptive families.  Both her boys are adopted from China and both have cleft lip/palate.

She was surprised that we hadn't heard anything yet but maybe the "closure" had something to do with it.  Closure?  Huh?  What?  I don't usually bug our agency or resource person, but I had to send off an email to find out what was going on.  So I sent off an email yesterday afternoon and sure enough last night I received a reply.  We have a log-in-date (LID) of April 09, 13.

China is soooo different from what we've experienced with the Philippines and Vietnam that I'm not 100% sure what this means for us.  All I care is this is one step further.  Everyone waits for that LID and we finally have one.  I know through the "non special needs" program, families are matched according to the LID.  In other words matches are made in chronological order.  All I know is that apparently we just need to wait for a child on a list that matches the SN we are willing to accept and because we are one of the few families that are willing to accept a boy, a proposal should be made rather quickly once a child is found whom matches our "criteria" (has the SN we are willing to accept).

This probably sounds like a whole lot of nothing.  But as I said...1 step closer.  We are still depending on the Lord to continue to open the doors or to shut them closed.  This is definitely taking longer than I had thought, but it is all about God's timing and not my own.  It will work out so well if mom and I travel in the fall.  Nathaniel will be in school and a good friend of mine (who Fredrick knows) has offered to help out with Fredrick 3 days a week if need be.  It will also work out well for mom.  Keeping focus on the positive!

So glad I can finally write an update! :-)

You're Something Special.

When I was a kid I can clearly remember listening to the song, "You're Something Special", on a vinyl record.  I clearly remember LOVING it!  I didn't remember all the words but the tune and the title were always very special.

When I was "expecting" Nathaniel, my mom found a copy of the book and record online and had someone copy the record to cd.  Not long after Nathaniel arrived home, we sat and listened to the song over and over again.  As we followed along in the book, I realized the words are so fitting for Nathaniel and now Fredrick.  I'm sure the "story" is based on a biological family, but really it speaks volumes to me as an adoptive mom and the perfect way to express how special my boys are.  It is so important for kids, biological, fostered or adopted, to know that they truly are special, that God created them and He has a plan for their life.

You can listen to the song and follow along with the words...Hope you and your children might be blessed by this song! 

YOU'RE SOMETHING SPECIAL - by Bill and Gloria Gaither:

When Jesus sent you to us,

We loved you from the start,

You were just a bit of sunshine

from heaven to our hearts

Not just another baby -

'Cause since the world

began there's been something

very special

for you in His plan.

That's why

He made you special

You're the only one of your kind;

God gave you a body

And a bright healthy mind.

He had a special purpose

that He wanted you to find,

so He made you something special

You're the only one of your kind.

I have a little sister

who's not at all like me,

She can write a

lovely poem

but I can climb a tree;

My brother, tho' he's diff'rent,

with freckles on his nose;

When my questions needed answers,

He's the one who knows.

That's why

I'm something special

I'm the only one of my kind;

God gave me a body and

a bright healthy mind.

He had a special purpose

that He wanted me to find,

so He made me something special

I'm the only one of my kind,

My daddy mows the back yard,

My mommy makes the bed,

My brother cleans the playroom,

I see our dog gets fed;

And each one needs the other

to help him thro`the day

And love must be the reason God

planned it just that way.

That's why

I'm something special

I'm the only one of my kind;

God gave you a body and

a bright healthy mind.

He had a special purpose

that He wanted me to find,

so He made me something special

I'm the only one of my kind,

He made you something special,

He made me something special,

He made you somethings special,

You`re the only one of your kind.

Dear Ellie

**Note:  So as not to get your heart leaping with joy that we received a proposal...this is just a post about what has happened this past week.**

The past 2 days have been extrememly emotional for me.  Normally we wait to hear from our agency about a possible proposal.  And I (we) have been waiting quite patiently...

While we wait I do A LOT of searching.  I love kids and I love to see their beautiful faces.  So I search for children in China waiting for families.  Usually I go straight to the list of boys waiting since that is where my heart is.  So many boys, yet so few families who want to parent a boy...that I will NEVER understand!

On Monday I received an email from one of the groups I'm a member of and there was a list of children.  The very first child on the page was a young girl whom they have named, Ellie.  Ellie is the sweetest looking little girl.  I was drawn to her.  I wanted to know more about her.  I usually look and move on but something inside me said find out more.  I contacted our resource person to find out if there was ANY possibility about getting Ellie's file.  Within 1/2 hr I was reading all about Ellie.  She is exactly 1 month OLDER than Fredrick.  I am pretty good about reading medical files.  I'm no Dr, but I have worked in a microbiology lab which has given me a good backgroud in reading results and with the WWW you can easily find more information, if need be.  I have also read through Nathaniel and Fredrick's files so I have a good idea of what everything means and what to look for.  As far as her physical and blood results went I saw nothing that raised any flags.  Little Ellie had had an infection in her eye and her eye never fully opened like the other, so there was an uneveness.  No problem.  They also mentioned something about her ear which I didn't quite understand.  Ellie had also been born with cleft lip/palette.  Her lip had been repaired but not her palette.  This was also a non issue since this is what we have signed up for.

I contacted a clinic in Montreal and I sent off Ellie's file to have it examined by the Dr.  When she called me later that evening she didn't raise any flags that concerned me.  Of course the Dr. mentioned that she had started walking late.  Yeah, so?  She's walking fine now and meeting all of her milestones.  She isn't talking, but again she has a big hole in her palette so this can be expected!  Fredrick is healthy and he still isn't talking up a storm.  These issues do not scare me.  I'm more of a let the child reach their milestones when they are good and ready, unless of course there are other issues that would raise concerns.  My issue was about her ear.  What was the malformation all about?  I read the file over and over after hanging up with the Dr and finally something stood out about her ear that I had missed and obviously the Dr had overlooked.  From what I've researched, the bump that she has is a type of cancer.  It may be nothing, but what if it is something very serious and it spreads?

I was also informed that we'd have to have our home study updated to state that we would be approved for a child 0-3 whereas right now we are approved for a child 0-2, insuring the child would be younger than Fredrick.

These 2 things just didn't sit well with me.  It has been agonizing wondering what we should do.  If we say NO are we being cowards and missing out on an amazing little girl?  If we say YES are doing it for our own benefit and not according to God's plan?

I asked a whole bunch of people to pray for our family and especially Ellie.  I was struggling with why this little girl had been brought to my attention and why I was so drawn to her.  But several people responded that if Ellie wasn't meant to be ours maybe she was brought into our path because she needed people praying for her.  That gave me some peace.

As of this morning we still hadn't given our decision to our agency.  I knew we had to make a decision and when I thought about it, I felt peace saying no.  I spoke with Jon and he agreed with me.  I have since imformed our agency that we will not pursue this file.

I gotta tell ya though, that little Ellie is such a precious little girl and she deserves every single prayer that has been said for her these past 2 days.  She will forever be in my heart.

Dear Ellie,

You are precious.  You were made in God's image and you DESERVE a family!  You deserve a mommy and daddy who can care for ALL your needs, who are prepared to meet you where you need to be met.  Your smile makes me smile.  Seeing you with your little pig-tails playing with your "roommates" makes me so happy.  I am so thankful that you have friends to play with.  You are one special little girl and I may not be your mommy but I AM praying for you and you have a VERY special place in my heart.

Not The Norm!

Unfortunately this post does not include an update.  Why?  Because I don't have one!  Still waiting.  Contrary to my post title...waiting is in fact the norm!

Before I begin putting my thoughts out there, I want to make sure that my friends and family who have given birth to very beautiful baby boys and girls, this is in no way to insult or offend you.  I love you all and your children.  These are thoughts and feelings that come from someone who has dealt with being childless, despite my desire to have children, and from someone who has been priviledged to adopt two of the most awesome boys on this earth.

Just recently my family was overlooked.  We were overlooked because we are not the norm.  When someone announces they are pregnant, that baby is real and in 9 months everyone will get to meet that baby.  With our family, it's all paperwork, A LOT of waiting, and eventually, who-knows-when, our child becomes real.  Until then we are often overlooked.  I get it.  I will admit, at that moment, it stung.  And then I reminded myself, not everyone gets as excited about adoption as I do, and I just have to face it, we are not the norm.  If you know anything about me you realize I have never been one to do something because everyone else is doing it.  Sure this might mean I miss out on some fun times, but it has also saved me from becoming someone I don't want to be; I don't want to be like everyone else.

There was a time I cried - A LOT!  Every time someone announced they were pregnant I curled up in bed and cried.  The only person who could truly feel my pain and who truly cared, was my mom.  (Of course Jon hurt too, but women are designed so differently emotionally).  I remember a time when someone announced they were pregnant, my mom was with me.  We were suppose to go out together but I told her I suddenly felt tired and had a migraine.  She knew I didn't.  She knew I just wanted to go be in the privacy of my home and cry.  Tears still come as I write this.  Not because I am still sad, but because I remember the pain I felt each time there was a pregnancy announcement and the emptiness I felt.

Let me be clear.  I wasn't mourning the loss of giving birth.  I was mourning the loss of being a mom.  For me personally it has never been about experiencing pregnancy, experiencing giving birth, breastfeeding and the whole newborn baby thing.  You see the Lord prepared me for adoption many, many, many years ago.  I can still remember being 16 talking about marriage and kids with two of my closest friends and I remember clear as day stating that I probably wouldn't be able to have biological kids and I'd probably adopt.  Fast forward a few years laters in a humanties class I was in.  We had to write a paper on a topic of our choosing that had two very opposing sides.  While most students did papers about amusing topics such as, Pepsi versus Coke, I chose to do mine on the pros and cons of transracial adoption.  Fast forward many years later and I am now a mom to two boys who come from very different cultures.

While most women get all caught up in the pregnancy stories and birth stories (which by the way I'm right in the middle of because any talk about babies/kids makes me happy), I am constantly on the look out for other adoptive families.  For instance, at the foot doctor with Nathaniel a couple of weeks ago, I immediately noticed the pictures on the wall.  My "adoption" radar was going off loud and clear.  I was suddenly excited about this appointment and forgot about the $350 I was about to spend on plastic insoles for Nathaniel's shoes.  We were so wrapped up in our stories, I'll be surprised if the casts she made of Nathaniel's feet are remotely accurate!  When mom asked me about the appointment all I talked about was the doctor and her kids! "That's nice, but what about Nathaniel's feet?"  Oh yeah...right!

At times I can feel out of place because I can't share birth stories.  I was once asked how many hours of labour I was in for Nathaniel...(well...from Montreal to Vancouver to the Philippines)...it was a good 24+ hours! HA HA!  Yes it can be awkward, but again I'm happy not being the norm.

While many moms are searching the blog world for blogs about newborn babies, breastfeeding versus bottle feeding etc... My list of blogs is full of adoptive families from all over Canada and the U.S. who have adopted children from all countries.  These blogs excite me.  I love to see how the Lord has brought these children home to wonderful families.  In fact, if we go for it, our next son (Lord willing) will be named thanx to a blog I now follow!

I love my family.  I love the cultures we represent.  I love that there doesn't have to be any biological connection to call these boys my sons and I, their mama.  I love that we are not the norm.  But please don't overlook us...we are very much "pregnant" and very much expecting another child.  It may take longer than 9 months and it may end in a miscarriage, but to us there is a child waiting to be "born" into our family and we can not wait to hold him/her in our arms.

Connectedness

On our drive home from Plattsburg last Saturday, my mom and I were discussing adoption and how some children do not connect to their parents right away and on the flip side that some parents don't connect to their new son/daughter right away. 

As moms and dads we fall in love with the pictures we receive of this child we have been longing for.  And we have this dream about how amazing it is going to be to finally hold this child.  Unfortunately, sometimes that wonderful dream turns into a nightmare as the moms and dads have a difficult time loving, attaching and bonding to this child.  Or sometimes it takes a long time for the child to love, attach and bond to their parents.  Both situations are terribly upsetting for those involved.  I loved both my boys long before I received their pictures -- my love began to develop the moment we started each process.  I shed many a tears, not only because the waiting was excruciating, but because my heart hurt from the amount of love that was stored up and sometimes my heart felt like it was going to explode if I didn't let it loose soon!  I can't imagine what it would be like not to have a connection with my child, because in both my cases, I was in love from the time I received their picture and even after I held them in my arms for the first time.

I did however experience the child not attaching/bonding to the parent right away.  Nathaniel wanted nothing to do with me; he only wanted daddy.  While in the Philippines, Jon and my mom would leave the hotel room for long periods of time in hopes that he would connect with me.  And Jon would try to do every thing he could to get Nathaniel to want to stay with me.  Nathaniel was even happier with my mom than with me.  I kept reminding mom and Jon that I was ok with him not wanting me right now.  I was willing to wait it out on his terms.  These were Nathaniel's emotions and he had to sort them out without us pushing him.

Even back home, he did not like me!  Going places without Jon was very stressful because he did not want to be with me.  Our first Sunday at church, he wanted to sit with my mom.  I will admit that that was hard.  I think, but I don't recall, I shed a few tears about Nathaniel not liking me!  A couple of months later I spent a Saturday night away from home, and when I returned home Sunday, Nathaniel was a-n-g-r-y with me!  He wouldn't look at me, he screamed if I went near him etc...  It was not a pretty scene.  I do recall, without a doubt, that I cried about this and feeling like I had made the biggest mistake of my life being away overnight.  Or did I?  That Monday, Nathaniel and mommy finally clicked.  The rest is history.  I don't know what changed inside him, but I will always remember that Monday; the day Nathaniel and I started our mother/son relationship and it has only gotten stronger and stronger.

Fredrick on the other hand...totally different story.  During my conversation with mom last Saturday, she said one simple sentence that made me want to break out in tears; "the moment Fredrick laid eyes on you, he was connected to you!"  I don't have any words to describe that connection, but I do have a picture that says it all...

Both stories very different.  I am so thankful that both have happy endings!  Nathaniel and I have a bond that I will cherish forever.  We have so much fun together and we can butt heads just as easily!  We love to read books together and jump in the pool on a hot summers day.  And even though it can be exhausting, I secretely LOVE that he always wants me to drive him to piano lessons and always wants mommy to put him to bed!  Fredrick is mommy's baby and could spend all day just hanging out in my arms!  I imagine Fredrick and I will eventually bond over computers and technology.  In a few years I'll be turning to Fredrick to help me with all my computer problems and questions!

Now this brings me to adoption #3 (Lord willing).  This child may or may not connect so easily as Fredrick.  Hey, maybe I won't connect so easily either.  This child may come home and need several surgeries right away.  This could definitely determine if this child will feel the desire to attach/bond to Jon and I.  This child might not really like us for having put him/her through painful surgeries.  I may not respond to this child's special need the way they need me to and this may affect their feelings towards me!  I just don't know.  It is a fear for me that I don't attach to one of my children right away.  I have read several blogs where this is the case and it just seems undoubtedly very painful.  Guess I better start praying about this!!!

Connecting to someone is a tricky thing!  I have read many emails from moms who have finally met their child and their child wants nothing to do with them and the moms are so distraught.  If you are reading this and are experiencing that or are afraid that that will happen, please know you just have to give the child time.  Time to figure out their feelings and their thoughts on this new situation they have found themselves in.  Don't push the child, don't have great expectations, and don't make the child feel like they are doing something wrong.  Be patient.  Just let the child know you are there for them and just continue providing for their needs.  That connection you've dreamed of may take some time, but when that connection happens, you'll realize it was well worth the wait!



T*M*I

T*M*I = Too Much Information

That is exactly what I got last week.  Unfortunately it's my own fault as I go searching for this information and then I regret it afterwards.

It all started with a post on an adoption Yahoo Group I'm a member of.  This group is specifically for adoptive families who have or are considering adopting a child from China with cleft lip/palate.  A desperate mom wrote in looking for advice concerning her son who was "driving her up the wall" .  He is a "cleft" adoptee.  Suddenly there was a string of replies describing each of their "cleft" children who demonstrated these same behaviors and then the words ADHD / ADD / AUTISM started to be thrown around.  Another similarity with each post was that most of the children were boys!  This is when a little, just a little, panic started to set in.  Is it fact that most boys born in China with cleft lip/palate demonstrate symptoms of ADHD / ADD / Autism?  I immediately started researching if there is any truth to this.

The faith part of me tells me that we will be blessed by ANY child the Lord has chosen for our family (if He even wants us to have another child).  The scared part of me says I'm unprepared to handle a child with ADHD / ADD / Autism.  I have 2 other boys to think about.  The prideful me says I'm strong and can handle anything.  The not so prideful me says NO you aren't strong enough.  The politically correct me says if I were to give birth to a child with any disorder or  illness, I would love them, care for them and do every thing in my power for them, right?

If you know me well, and we've had discussions about parenting, you know that I refuse to "label" children.  Especially adopted children.  I don't believe in the charts that say "by 2 years old my child should be doing this..."  Internationally adopted children have "catching up" to do and I'm pretty sensitive about that.  So after all those strings of negative posts, finally a mother wrote in and pretty much described how I feel.  These children are usually brought up in orphanages (or in other words an institution) which creates children who have been institutionalized.  They don't feel the same, they don't think the same as children who have been brought up in a loving family.  Nathaniel was in a very loving orphanage, and even though this is still not the best environment for any child, he never showed any signs of being institutionalized.  He was very stimulated, had lots of play time, his needs were met and he enjoyed many outings.  Fredrick was too young to have had any affects of institutionalism but if he had been left there longer I could see that he might have had issues.  I don't know what the orphanages are like in China.  I do know that children with physical "defects" are considered bad luck and are shunned by society.  These children probably don't get out much.  So these children come home under stimulated, under loved.  It will take time for these children to catch up.  Suddenly there was a new twist on the original post.  The child's behavior probably had nothing to do him being a cleft adoptee, but rather a child who spent the first 1.5 years of his life in an institution.  I'm not saying this makes it any easier knowing this, but it makes me hopeful that if our son/daughter portray these negative behaviors that the mom wrote about they can be overcome with the proper attention and care, without having to medicate or label the child. Does this make it less scary?  Absolutely not.  Does this mean that the child may not have any of these disorders?  Absolutely not.  Will we still love the child if they do have these symptoms/disorders?  ABSOLUTELY!

Tomorrow (January 03) Jon and I will be heading to our agency to FINALLY hand in our completed file.  We will wait to see what happens from here.  If you are a believer in prayer, please remember our family and that the Lord would give us the wisdom we need in the coming months.  I'm soooo looking forward to what 2013 has in store for us!