As moms and dads we fall in love with the pictures we receive of this child we have been longing for. And we have this dream about how amazing it is going to be to finally hold this child. Unfortunately, sometimes that wonderful dream turns into a nightmare as the moms and dads have a difficult time loving, attaching and bonding to this child. Or sometimes it takes a long time for the child to love, attach and bond to their parents. Both situations are terribly upsetting for those involved. I loved both my boys long before I received their pictures -- my love began to develop the moment we started each process. I shed many a tears, not only because the waiting was excruciating, but because my heart hurt from the amount of love that was stored up and sometimes my heart felt like it was going to explode if I didn't let it loose soon! I can't imagine what it would be like not to have a connection with my child, because in both my cases, I was in love from the time I received their picture and even after I held them in my arms for the first time.
I did however experience the child not attaching/bonding to the parent right away. Nathaniel wanted nothing to do with me; he only wanted daddy. While in the Philippines, Jon and my mom would leave the hotel room for long periods of time in hopes that he would connect with me. And Jon would try to do every thing he could to get Nathaniel to want to stay with me. Nathaniel was even happier with my mom than with me. I kept reminding mom and Jon that I was ok with him not wanting me right now. I was willing to wait it out on his terms. These were Nathaniel's emotions and he had to sort them out without us pushing him.
Even back home, he did not like me! Going places without Jon was very stressful because he did not want to be with me. Our first Sunday at church, he wanted to sit with my mom. I will admit that that was hard. I think, but I don't recall, I shed a few tears about Nathaniel not liking me! A couple of months later I spent a Saturday night away from home, and when I returned home Sunday, Nathaniel was a-n-g-r-y with me! He wouldn't look at me, he screamed if I went near him etc... It was not a pretty scene. I do recall, without a doubt, that I cried about this and feeling like I had made the biggest mistake of my life being away overnight. Or did I? That Monday, Nathaniel and mommy finally clicked. The rest is history. I don't know what changed inside him, but I will always remember that Monday; the day Nathaniel and I started our mother/son relationship and it has only gotten stronger and stronger.
Fredrick on the other hand...totally different story. During my conversation with mom last Saturday, she said one simple sentence that made me want to break out in tears; "the moment Fredrick laid eyes on you, he was connected to you!" I don't have any words to describe that connection, but I do have a picture that says it all...
Both stories very different. I am so thankful that both have happy endings! Nathaniel and I have a bond that I will cherish forever. We have so much fun together and we can butt heads just as easily! We love to read books together and jump in the pool on a hot summers day. And even though it can be exhausting, I secretely LOVE that he always wants me to drive him to piano lessons and always wants mommy to put him to bed! Fredrick is mommy's baby and could spend all day just hanging out in my arms! I imagine Fredrick and I will eventually bond over computers and technology. In a few years I'll be turning to Fredrick to help me with all my computer problems and questions!
Now this brings me to adoption #3 (Lord willing). This child may or may not connect so easily as Fredrick. Hey, maybe I won't connect so easily either. This child may come home and need several surgeries right away. This could definitely determine if this child will feel the desire to attach/bond to Jon and I. This child might not really like us for having put him/her through painful surgeries. I may not respond to this child's special need the way they need me to and this may affect their feelings towards me! I just don't know. It is a fear for me that I don't attach to one of my children right away. I have read several blogs where this is the case and it just seems undoubtedly very painful. Guess I better start praying about this!!!
Connecting to someone is a tricky thing! I have read many emails from moms who have finally met their child and their child wants nothing to do with them and the moms are so distraught. If you are reading this and are experiencing that or are afraid that that will happen, please know you just have to give the child time. Time to figure out their feelings and their thoughts on this new situation they have found themselves in. Don't push the child, don't have great expectations, and don't make the child feel like they are doing something wrong. Be patient. Just let the child know you are there for them and just continue providing for their needs. That connection you've dreamed of may take some time, but when that connection happens, you'll realize it was well worth the wait!
It took nearly six months before Adam and I were in a good place. I'd say we each tolerated the other and Adam had absolutely no preference for me -- I often called Todd in tears begging him to come home because I couldn't cope with the fact that Adam didn't want me. I sunk down into a horrible state of depression and couldn't be treated by my family doctor because it would go on my medical transcript and we'd never be able to adopt again. It took nearly 18 months to push through it. Thankfully, around Adam's first birthday, we finally clicked and the rest, as they say, is history.
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