Dear Ellie

**Note:  So as not to get your heart leaping with joy that we received a proposal...this is just a post about what has happened this past week.**

The past 2 days have been extrememly emotional for me.  Normally we wait to hear from our agency about a possible proposal.  And I (we) have been waiting quite patiently...

While we wait I do A LOT of searching.  I love kids and I love to see their beautiful faces.  So I search for children in China waiting for families.  Usually I go straight to the list of boys waiting since that is where my heart is.  So many boys, yet so few families who want to parent a boy...that I will NEVER understand!

On Monday I received an email from one of the groups I'm a member of and there was a list of children.  The very first child on the page was a young girl whom they have named, Ellie.  Ellie is the sweetest looking little girl.  I was drawn to her.  I wanted to know more about her.  I usually look and move on but something inside me said find out more.  I contacted our resource person to find out if there was ANY possibility about getting Ellie's file.  Within 1/2 hr I was reading all about Ellie.  She is exactly 1 month OLDER than Fredrick.  I am pretty good about reading medical files.  I'm no Dr, but I have worked in a microbiology lab which has given me a good backgroud in reading results and with the WWW you can easily find more information, if need be.  I have also read through Nathaniel and Fredrick's files so I have a good idea of what everything means and what to look for.  As far as her physical and blood results went I saw nothing that raised any flags.  Little Ellie had had an infection in her eye and her eye never fully opened like the other, so there was an uneveness.  No problem.  They also mentioned something about her ear which I didn't quite understand.  Ellie had also been born with cleft lip/palette.  Her lip had been repaired but not her palette.  This was also a non issue since this is what we have signed up for.

I contacted a clinic in Montreal and I sent off Ellie's file to have it examined by the Dr.  When she called me later that evening she didn't raise any flags that concerned me.  Of course the Dr. mentioned that she had started walking late.  Yeah, so?  She's walking fine now and meeting all of her milestones.  She isn't talking, but again she has a big hole in her palette so this can be expected!  Fredrick is healthy and he still isn't talking up a storm.  These issues do not scare me.  I'm more of a let the child reach their milestones when they are good and ready, unless of course there are other issues that would raise concerns.  My issue was about her ear.  What was the malformation all about?  I read the file over and over after hanging up with the Dr and finally something stood out about her ear that I had missed and obviously the Dr had overlooked.  From what I've researched, the bump that she has is a type of cancer.  It may be nothing, but what if it is something very serious and it spreads?

I was also informed that we'd have to have our home study updated to state that we would be approved for a child 0-3 whereas right now we are approved for a child 0-2, insuring the child would be younger than Fredrick.

These 2 things just didn't sit well with me.  It has been agonizing wondering what we should do.  If we say NO are we being cowards and missing out on an amazing little girl?  If we say YES are doing it for our own benefit and not according to God's plan?

I asked a whole bunch of people to pray for our family and especially Ellie.  I was struggling with why this little girl had been brought to my attention and why I was so drawn to her.  But several people responded that if Ellie wasn't meant to be ours maybe she was brought into our path because she needed people praying for her.  That gave me some peace.

As of this morning we still hadn't given our decision to our agency.  I knew we had to make a decision and when I thought about it, I felt peace saying no.  I spoke with Jon and he agreed with me.  I have since imformed our agency that we will not pursue this file.

I gotta tell ya though, that little Ellie is such a precious little girl and she deserves every single prayer that has been said for her these past 2 days.  She will forever be in my heart.

Dear Ellie,

You are precious.  You were made in God's image and you DESERVE a family!  You deserve a mommy and daddy who can care for ALL your needs, who are prepared to meet you where you need to be met.  Your smile makes me smile.  Seeing you with your little pig-tails playing with your "roommates" makes me so happy.  I am so thankful that you have friends to play with.  You are one special little girl and I may not be your mommy but I AM praying for you and you have a VERY special place in my heart.