Connectedness

On our drive home from Plattsburg last Saturday, my mom and I were discussing adoption and how some children do not connect to their parents right away and on the flip side that some parents don't connect to their new son/daughter right away. 

As moms and dads we fall in love with the pictures we receive of this child we have been longing for.  And we have this dream about how amazing it is going to be to finally hold this child.  Unfortunately, sometimes that wonderful dream turns into a nightmare as the moms and dads have a difficult time loving, attaching and bonding to this child.  Or sometimes it takes a long time for the child to love, attach and bond to their parents.  Both situations are terribly upsetting for those involved.  I loved both my boys long before I received their pictures -- my love began to develop the moment we started each process.  I shed many a tears, not only because the waiting was excruciating, but because my heart hurt from the amount of love that was stored up and sometimes my heart felt like it was going to explode if I didn't let it loose soon!  I can't imagine what it would be like not to have a connection with my child, because in both my cases, I was in love from the time I received their picture and even after I held them in my arms for the first time.

I did however experience the child not attaching/bonding to the parent right away.  Nathaniel wanted nothing to do with me; he only wanted daddy.  While in the Philippines, Jon and my mom would leave the hotel room for long periods of time in hopes that he would connect with me.  And Jon would try to do every thing he could to get Nathaniel to want to stay with me.  Nathaniel was even happier with my mom than with me.  I kept reminding mom and Jon that I was ok with him not wanting me right now.  I was willing to wait it out on his terms.  These were Nathaniel's emotions and he had to sort them out without us pushing him.

Even back home, he did not like me!  Going places without Jon was very stressful because he did not want to be with me.  Our first Sunday at church, he wanted to sit with my mom.  I will admit that that was hard.  I think, but I don't recall, I shed a few tears about Nathaniel not liking me!  A couple of months later I spent a Saturday night away from home, and when I returned home Sunday, Nathaniel was a-n-g-r-y with me!  He wouldn't look at me, he screamed if I went near him etc...  It was not a pretty scene.  I do recall, without a doubt, that I cried about this and feeling like I had made the biggest mistake of my life being away overnight.  Or did I?  That Monday, Nathaniel and mommy finally clicked.  The rest is history.  I don't know what changed inside him, but I will always remember that Monday; the day Nathaniel and I started our mother/son relationship and it has only gotten stronger and stronger.

Fredrick on the other hand...totally different story.  During my conversation with mom last Saturday, she said one simple sentence that made me want to break out in tears; "the moment Fredrick laid eyes on you, he was connected to you!"  I don't have any words to describe that connection, but I do have a picture that says it all...

Both stories very different.  I am so thankful that both have happy endings!  Nathaniel and I have a bond that I will cherish forever.  We have so much fun together and we can butt heads just as easily!  We love to read books together and jump in the pool on a hot summers day.  And even though it can be exhausting, I secretely LOVE that he always wants me to drive him to piano lessons and always wants mommy to put him to bed!  Fredrick is mommy's baby and could spend all day just hanging out in my arms!  I imagine Fredrick and I will eventually bond over computers and technology.  In a few years I'll be turning to Fredrick to help me with all my computer problems and questions!

Now this brings me to adoption #3 (Lord willing).  This child may or may not connect so easily as Fredrick.  Hey, maybe I won't connect so easily either.  This child may come home and need several surgeries right away.  This could definitely determine if this child will feel the desire to attach/bond to Jon and I.  This child might not really like us for having put him/her through painful surgeries.  I may not respond to this child's special need the way they need me to and this may affect their feelings towards me!  I just don't know.  It is a fear for me that I don't attach to one of my children right away.  I have read several blogs where this is the case and it just seems undoubtedly very painful.  Guess I better start praying about this!!!

Connecting to someone is a tricky thing!  I have read many emails from moms who have finally met their child and their child wants nothing to do with them and the moms are so distraught.  If you are reading this and are experiencing that or are afraid that that will happen, please know you just have to give the child time.  Time to figure out their feelings and their thoughts on this new situation they have found themselves in.  Don't push the child, don't have great expectations, and don't make the child feel like they are doing something wrong.  Be patient.  Just let the child know you are there for them and just continue providing for their needs.  That connection you've dreamed of may take some time, but when that connection happens, you'll realize it was well worth the wait!



T*M*I

T*M*I = Too Much Information

That is exactly what I got last week.  Unfortunately it's my own fault as I go searching for this information and then I regret it afterwards.

It all started with a post on an adoption Yahoo Group I'm a member of.  This group is specifically for adoptive families who have or are considering adopting a child from China with cleft lip/palate.  A desperate mom wrote in looking for advice concerning her son who was "driving her up the wall" .  He is a "cleft" adoptee.  Suddenly there was a string of replies describing each of their "cleft" children who demonstrated these same behaviors and then the words ADHD / ADD / AUTISM started to be thrown around.  Another similarity with each post was that most of the children were boys!  This is when a little, just a little, panic started to set in.  Is it fact that most boys born in China with cleft lip/palate demonstrate symptoms of ADHD / ADD / Autism?  I immediately started researching if there is any truth to this.

The faith part of me tells me that we will be blessed by ANY child the Lord has chosen for our family (if He even wants us to have another child).  The scared part of me says I'm unprepared to handle a child with ADHD / ADD / Autism.  I have 2 other boys to think about.  The prideful me says I'm strong and can handle anything.  The not so prideful me says NO you aren't strong enough.  The politically correct me says if I were to give birth to a child with any disorder or  illness, I would love them, care for them and do every thing in my power for them, right?

If you know me well, and we've had discussions about parenting, you know that I refuse to "label" children.  Especially adopted children.  I don't believe in the charts that say "by 2 years old my child should be doing this..."  Internationally adopted children have "catching up" to do and I'm pretty sensitive about that.  So after all those strings of negative posts, finally a mother wrote in and pretty much described how I feel.  These children are usually brought up in orphanages (or in other words an institution) which creates children who have been institutionalized.  They don't feel the same, they don't think the same as children who have been brought up in a loving family.  Nathaniel was in a very loving orphanage, and even though this is still not the best environment for any child, he never showed any signs of being institutionalized.  He was very stimulated, had lots of play time, his needs were met and he enjoyed many outings.  Fredrick was too young to have had any affects of institutionalism but if he had been left there longer I could see that he might have had issues.  I don't know what the orphanages are like in China.  I do know that children with physical "defects" are considered bad luck and are shunned by society.  These children probably don't get out much.  So these children come home under stimulated, under loved.  It will take time for these children to catch up.  Suddenly there was a new twist on the original post.  The child's behavior probably had nothing to do him being a cleft adoptee, but rather a child who spent the first 1.5 years of his life in an institution.  I'm not saying this makes it any easier knowing this, but it makes me hopeful that if our son/daughter portray these negative behaviors that the mom wrote about they can be overcome with the proper attention and care, without having to medicate or label the child. Does this make it less scary?  Absolutely not.  Does this mean that the child may not have any of these disorders?  Absolutely not.  Will we still love the child if they do have these symptoms/disorders?  ABSOLUTELY!

Tomorrow (January 03) Jon and I will be heading to our agency to FINALLY hand in our completed file.  We will wait to see what happens from here.  If you are a believer in prayer, please remember our family and that the Lord would give us the wisdom we need in the coming months.  I'm soooo looking forward to what 2013 has in store for us!